1. What Got Me Thinking About This?
Alright. I’m here again. Back to Rambling Land. Brooks on. Comfy shorts that don’t match the worn-out shirt I stole from my husband. Hair bun that looks like a bird’s nest (next project for today is to untangle it, wish me luck).
Walking on the treadmill and typing on my laptop, which is resting on my perfect little grey tray, WHICH is also resting on the little wooden table my husband made for me to use over the treadmill so I can do this while burning calories. (Thanks, novio!)
Perfect little setting if you ask me.
Although the shadow of my messy bun on the left white wall is distracting me, it also makes me laugh, ha.
OK, enough with the fluff. Let’s get to it.
I’ve been meaning to write about so many topics that keep poking me as things come up in my life and the lives of my loved ones.
I keep postponing it, and then something happens, I see the pattern again, and I’m like, “I NEED TO WRITE ABOUT THIS. WHEN AM I GONNA PULL THE TRIGGER AND JUST DO IT?”
Then the bitchy portion of my mind goes, “Well, when you actually become an expert in the subject. Otherwise, who are YOU to write about that?”
And then the not-so-bitchy part goes, “Well, I’m someone who has gone through similar pains and has experienced the same patterns myself. Someone who loves a lot of people and wants to make a shortcut available to them if they ever need it. Someone whose experiences others can MAYBE RELATE to, which, in my experience, can be very healing. Isn’t that enough?”
So the little argument gets just as tangled as the bird’s-nest bun I’m wearing right now.
And this is my attempt to get the whole thing untangled.
The recurring inner poke lately has been around the topic of the right to feel like shit. I’ve had that “inner complaint” for YEARS and have written about it plenty of times in my digital journal. But this is my attempt to finally SHARE my current opinion about it.
Oh wait, here comes the bitchy side of my mind again. Let’s let her let it out so I can continue, shall we? Ugh:
Bitchy mind: “And WHO GIVES A SHIT about your opinion?”
Not-so-bitchy mind: “MY FAITHFUL CRICKETS! LEAVE ME ALONE!! If anybody is meant to read this, they’ll find it and they MIGHT find some of it useful, OR NOT. I don’t care! Not gonna let that stop me, so… SHUT UP.”
PHEW, OK. Sorry you have to get caught in the middle of my little inner catty fight.
OK, where was I?
Ah. The right to feel like shit. Yes.
Lately, I’ve been reminded of this topic through conversations with people I love who are going through difficult situations. Different circumstances, different kinds of pain, but something familiar keeps coming up: the feeling that we somehow have to justify being upset.
Sometimes it’s because someone else has it worse. Sometimes it’s because we’re supposed to be positive, grateful, or have faith. And sometimes we’re the ones putting those expectations on ourselves.
I recognize that pattern because I’ve done it myself. I’ve minimized my own feelings, and I’ve also been the person who thought she was helping someone else by encouraging them to look at the bright side.
And the more I notice it, the more it bothers me.
So, here goes my current opinion about it, or shall I say, my ATTEMPT to express it.
And I’ll speak for myself here. (And maybe someone else will relate, but that’s for them to decide, not me.)
2. The Suffering Competition
One of the things that bothers me when something shitty happens to me is being made to feel like I shouldn’t have the right to be upset about it simply because someone else has it worse. And when I say something shitty happens, I mean all kinds of problems, from having to find ways to pay off accumulated debt to holding my bunny dead in my arms or finding out that someone I love has cancer or has died.
Small problems. Big problems. Obviously, some are more serious than others. But who gets to decide which ones we’re allowed to feel like shit about? Ohhh, big ol’ society does, right?
It just pisses me off when I notice how some of us have made it the norm to compete whenever we hear that someone has a problem. We need to measure who has the bigger problem, and when we decide who does, from our perspective, THAT AND ONLY THAT PERSON GETS TO FEEL LIKE SHIT. Sometimes we even start dumping our own “bigger” problems on someone else, as if proving we have it worse somehow means they have no reason to complain.
And you know what else I’ve noticed? Sometimes nobody even has to tell us that our problems aren’t big enough. We do that to ourselves.
I recently experienced this with someone I love who was going through some difficult things in her marriage. When she learned that someone in my family was dealing with cancer, she started apologizing for venting to me about her own problems, even though I’d made it clear that I was there to listen. As if what she was going through suddenly didn’t deserve to be talked about because someone else was dealing with something worse. And I’m thinking, WHAT? Since when does someone else’s cancer mean your marriage problems don’t hurt anymore?
But I recognize that reaction because I’ve done it myself. I’ve caught myself comparing problems, minimizing my own feelings, and even doing it to other people while thinking I was helping them gain perspective.
It is such a common pattern, it kinda pisses me off when I see it even in myself. How sick is it that this has become such a normal approach for so many of us?
What I’m saying is, I think it’s not necessarily about how big or small the problem is. It’s about how it affects us. The frustration, sadness, fear, anger, or whatever feelings come with it. THAT’S what I’m talking about having the right to express, even if it’s just to let it out.
And who the hell decided that only the person suffering the most gets to complain? As if hearing that someone else has a bigger problem means we can just press some magical “TURN OFF HUMAN EMOTIONS” button and stop feeling like shit about our own problems. Uh, excuse me, WHERE IS THAT BUTTON? Because I sure as hell haven’t found it.
3. The Pressure to Be Okay
I think something that feeds the frustration is the expectation some people have of us just because we are usually positive, giddy, and happy and “the light in the room.”
I mean, even perfect weather has the occasional grey cloud. GIVE ME A BREAK.
Just because that is the version of me that I prefer to show around people, it does NOT follow that I don’t have the right to feel like shit too.
I don’t think I need to change my identity to “the one who’s always moody or gloomy” to earn the right to feel like that when circumstances change, even if the change isn’t apparent to others.
And I think the pressure gets even worse when we start believing we HAVE to live up to whatever version of ourselves we’ve become known for.
Take being “the strong one,” for example.
Especially when you come from a third-world country and, at least in my experience, you’re used to overcoming all kinds of calamities. Sometimes you’re EXPECTED to make it through shit without bitching about it first, just jumping straight from problem to solution with no processing in the middle.
And yes, I understand that sometimes that is exactly what must be done when you’re in survival mode and there’s literally no time to process anything. I get it. Been there, done that more times than I can count.
But what happens when the immediate crisis is over? When you’re no longer just trying to survive and finally have a little room to breathe?
In my experience, we don’t always stop to deal with what we went through. We just keep going and going and working and working and bragging about how we overcame this or that, without realizing how all those unprocessed feelings might eventually affect us.
And then we hear our loved ones talk about how “we took it well” or “how strong we are,” and sometimes we take those words as something we need to keep living up to. Because, well, we ARE strong, right?
I got used to that, you know? Of being “a warrior,” life throwing curveballs at me and me knocking them out of the park and then proudly considering myself an example to follow.
Ohhh, I’ve so done that.
But then, I moved here to the US. Still with problems to deal with because, well, that’s life, but currently no longer in survival mode. And now I find myself paying the price for all that unprocessed shit that the “warrior” could not allow herself to admit to or express because, well, that’s not what warriors do, right?
Ohhhh no no no, we are supreme specimens that can absolutely handle it all with not one frown. We do it with a big smile on our face as if we have a hanger in our mouth.
Go go go! Smile smile smile! You’ve been through worse, so what the hell are you complaining about NOW? You’re a WARRIOR! Suck it up, overcome it all with no complaints, and add it to the pile of warrior stories to brag about later. KEEP ‘EM COMING!!!
And then there’s the pressure that can come with being someone who considers herself positive or faithful.
Like, sometimes admitting that you’re devastated by something can feel like you’re not being grateful enough, or you’re lacking faith.
It’s almost as if you’re supposed to skip the part where you’re actually hurting and jump straight into feeling hopeful again.
But I’ve always thought that’s easier said than done when you’re not the one experiencing the pain.
I once told someone I love that it’s like a healthy person telling a sick person to have faith that they’ll get better. It’s much easier to say that when you’re healthy and not in pain. The real challenge is maintaining that certainty, that unshakable faith, when you’re sick and your whole body hurts and reminds you how difficult it can be to hold on to faith under those circumstances.
And I don’t think feeling terrible about what you’re going through automatically means you’ve lost your faith. Maybe you’ve just put it ON HOLD while you allow yourself to be a fucking human for a moment. What’s so wrong with that? Nothing! At least in my opinion.
Whether it’s being the happy one, the warrior, or the positive person with unshakable faith, I think the problem starts when we feel like we have to live up to those identities even when we’re in pain.
So yeah, I honestly think that sometimes we add pain to our pain just because we’ve adopted that mentality.
4. The Right to Actually Feel It
Just to be clear, I’m talking about allowing ourselves to actually FEEL whatever we’re feeling, without immediately fighting it, minimizing it, or labeling it as negativity, weakness, or a lack of faith.
I’m NOT saying we need to cling to those feelings, let them define us, take them out on other people, or complain all day, every day, expecting everyone else to listen. I understand that other people have their own shit to deal with too. I’m just saying we need to make room for our feelings and, when we need someone to talk to, be mindful of who we’re sharing them with and whether they’re in a position to listen.
The physical body needs to release things, dude. Haven’t you noticed? We run to the toilet when we need to take a shit, but when it comes to emotional pain, some of us shove that specific type of shit right back inside instead of letting it out. Venting? Screaming? Crying until we have no tears left? Oh no, apparently THAT’S not acceptable for some of us.
And ironically, I’ve noticed that NOT allowing ourselves to feel or express those emotions in a healthy way can sometimes make us more likely to take them out on someone else.
Haven’t you noticed how sometimes, when you bottle things up, even the tiniest shit makes you snap?
Someone breathes a little too loud and you just want to shove a pillow on their face. And they did nothing wrong; you just ran out of space to be reasonable!
It’s like sweeping garbage under the rug. Eventually, the whole fucking house starts to stink. You gotta get that shit out!
From my experience, I believe I just need to express it long enough so that I no longer feel the tension in my body.
Like when you’re deflating a balloon. You let the air out and out and out until there’s no air left. No more tension. No more tightness keeping everything trapped inside.
At THAT point, I believe my mind and body can actually relax JUST ENOUGH to start looking for reasonable and helpful solutions.
The solutions the tense body and the cluttered mind come to? Uh… can sometimes be questionable.
And I’ve also noticed that once I’ve let that shit out, it’s easier to focus on things that help me feel better, like reconnecting with my faith, gratitude, or whatever else works for me.
I know we all have our own ways of processing things, and what works for me might not work for someone else.
I’m just saying that, at least for me, allowing myself to actually feel what I’m feeling instead of immediately fighting it has made a huge difference.
5. Where Am I Going With All This?
Well, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t think we need to EARN the right to feel like shit, regardless of what’s triggering those feelings in the first place. And I don’t think we need anybody’s permission either.
Although, now that I think about it, maybe part of me DID want that permission at some point. Or maybe what I actually wanted was validation. I don’t know. Maybe a little bit of both.
Maybe I just wanted someone close to me to say, “Yeah, that fucking sucks,” without immediately reminding me of everything I should be grateful for, how strong I am, how much worse things could be, or giving me all kinds of advice on how to feel better when I’m so overwhelmed that I can barely process what I’m feeling, let alone listen to advice on what to do about it.
Not that those reminders or suggestions are necessarily wrong. Sometimes they’re exactly what I need to hear. Just… maybe not while I’m still trying to process what the hell just happened or venting in the middle of the storm. I believe timing is crucial when it comes to that.
I came across a quote recently that really hit home. I don’t know who originally said it, but it goes something like this:
“When a person is drowning, that is not the time to teach them how to swim.”
THAT. That’s exactly what I’m talking about. It’s not that learning how to swim isn’t important. It’s just that when someone is drowning, maybe help them get their head above water first. THEN we can talk about swimming lessons.
And I guess that’s part of why I’ve been wanting to write about this for so long. Maybe I’m trying to say some of the things I wish someone had said to me. Or maybe I’m just reminding myself, AGAIN, because apparently knowing something and actually applying it are two very different things.
I certainly don’t have this stuff figured out. I still catch myself doing it, both to myself and to others. But at least now I recognize it more often and can question it.
So yeah, I guess my point is that someone else’s suffering doesn’t make ours disappear. And having good things in our lives doesn’t mean the painful ones suddenly stop hurting. Why does one have to cancel out the other?
Maybe that’s something worth remembering the next time we’re tempted to minimize our own feelings or someone else’s, even when we mean well.
Because life is gonna throw enough shit at us as it is. Do we really need to add more to it ourselves?
And before the bitchy part of my mind starts questioning why the hell I’m writing all this again, I’m gonna hit PUBLISH. About time!
Now, time to grab that hairbrush…
Thanks for reading my ramblings.
—Mary Moore
